Deep Conversations

Once upon a time (in July 2008 to be specific)...someone sent me (Kristy) this e-mail.

Hello!  Have  good  day!  The  Computer on my inquiry in service Those
friends found to me some structures of people, with which I Would like
to  get  acquainted.  I  have studied a little them and have solved To
send  you to the first message because your structure seems to me More
interesting.  I  hope, that you have time to send me some messages. We
can  get  acquainted  and  study  each  other.  I  shall tell about me
directly;  My age of 27 years, my name Darya. I was not married, and I
live with mine The father. I to similar sports and active Rest. I like
to  travel  and be in various places, but my work does Do not allow me
to  do  it  often.  I  have  friends, we sometimes go to bowling or in
billiards.  Also  I send you Photo, that you knew my person. I wish to
ask, that you also have sent Me a picture you, also inform me, liked a
small amount of the information you: That you Love entertainment? What
your  character? In what qualities you love Women? Whether you had the
wife?  I also shall inform you more Independently in following E-mail!
I shall wait for messages from You. Your friend Darya.

Now being the sweet, kind hearted people that we are, we couldn't just let this e-mail sit in the purgatory of the inbox, never to be replied to...  So we replied. It took both of us a lot of time and effort to come up with a reply worthy for such a beautiful e-mail...but we did it! Here is our reply...

Greetings!  Have day of good!  Many wishes well.  Have photo of me, you?  I for too.  You seem much like the lovely person of you.  For too write me such sweet words.  Makes me loves you.  Can you touch your wenis?  I can touch your wenis?  I like to watch the lights on shoes and the moving pictures on big screen in large building.  I for too are the great rapper of eminem.  Turtles are for good eating beating heart after 7 days long.  Tastes kind of bitter and chickenish(sp?).  Make love for you.  Wild horses for to drag me away.  You speak the english very well.  Your fasha is well?  He has not sold you to man yet?  You from dowery must include one hen.  Preferably one that lays the big eggs for eating with turtle heart and for to bathe the dog of mine with chicken yoke abortion of blood.  I have the red camero and drive to the seashore on tuesday.  The ocean of which is in Lynco with spaniard monkeys also good for eating of the brain.  Total heart monkey brain soup.  I will cook you dinner on a special day when you foring have the child of mine.  You lick of the wenis?  Write back very soon.  Looking forward to talking of you again.  Total heart for to blow glass.  Have a wonderful day.

Top 5 Womens Products That Totally Aren't Stupid or Anything

Irrelevant photo.

Hi, folks. Sweet Sale would like you to know that although we are the most hilarious and adorable girls you've ever had the privilege to to lay eyes on...we're so much more than that. We aren't just here to make you laugh, but we are also here to educate the stupid masses on how to improve your life.

I'd like to take the time to introduce you to the top 5 must have products to help simplify your life.

How many times have you been getting ready to get it on with some dude and before you get a chance to laugh at his tiny member, he laughs at your ugly vomit-brown vajay jay! I know what you're thinking. If only there was some kind of magical product to make women's vajay jays look like the way men think they're supposed to look!

Well now there is! Let me introduce you to My New Pink Button. The days of not being able to fully customize your genitals are over! You can even choose your specific shade of pink. They have Marilyn, Bettie, Ginger, and Audry. I know personally I can't wait until they add more colors. I've always wanted a purple and yellow polka dotted one, what about you guys?

Now lets keep the awesomeness rolling with product number 2 which is... the urinal cup! How many times have you had this problem? You're getting ready to go on a road trip with your husband or boyfriend and you completely forget to pee! It happens more than we'd like to admit, but it isn't our fault since we have tiny female brains! Men have tiny male brains, but fortunately for them, they can pee standing up. But alas, we women have to submissively sit down! How utterly shameful! But that is no longer the case! With the urinal cup, you can stand up while you pee. The world is your urinal! No longer will you have to sit around wishing you had a penis so you could have the liberty of peeing any and everywhere. Now you can just pull out your diva cup and go in the club, at the grocery store, even while picking your kids up for school! Can you believe someone didn't think of this sooner? If it weren't for this genius inventor why we might have been using these archaic and outdated social systems (such as standing in line for the restroom) forever!

Now ladies....I know you're probably thinking "how could I ever afford to buy those totally awesome and not at all crazy and stupid feminine products?" Well I'll tell ya how! Introducing product number 3...the DIVA CUP!

Now instead of spending all your money on tampons and menstrual pads you can buy those other products! With the Diva cup you can collect your blood in a neat cup and then wash it out at the end of the day! And best of all it's environmentally friendly! Instead of throwing away used tampons you can waste water when you wash it at the end of the day SAVE THE ENVIRONMENT!

Now product number 4 is for those of us that like to express our individuality and style! Now we no longer have to suffer trying to make the decision as to what to do with our hair down there. Versatility has never been easier with the pubic hair wig (also known as a merkin)! Want to go shaved? Want to grow a freaking jungle? Now you can have both!

As expected we've saved the best for last! Product number 5 isn't so much a product as it is a revolutionary concept. Introducing the funnest idea since using tape worms to lose weight... VAJAZZLING! If you aren't on board with this you need to be! Every girl's dream as a child was to grow up and have a glamorous vagina. Well now that dream can come true! All it takes is a little imagination, some glitter and crystals and voila!

We hope that you've enjoyed this list of womens products that totally aren't stupid at all. Hopefully you can occupy yourself by giving your genitals the much needed makeover they deserve while we conjure up another list of useful products to enhance your life.


(Disclaimer: Remember, we couldn't make this shit up!)

How to deliver a baby in a haunted house with no electricity and no running water...

Hi, and welcome to our seminar, which is brought to you by the makers of NASA "Smarter than you since the Kennedy era".  Today we're going to teach you how to deliver a baby in a haunted house with no electricity and no running water.

First things first...The mother will likely begin freaking out about having to be in labor in a haunted house with no electricity and no running water. Reassure her that everything is okay. You have taken a seminar called "How to deliver a baby in a haunted house with no electricity and no running water".

Next, have the mother lie down on an old dusty sheet that you found covering the furniture. This is a very important step as this will help keep blood off the floors and help prevent shark attacks. This will also help when you need to move said mother from the environment later.

Also, it is very important to make the father feel like he is a very important part of this process. Tell him to call 911. If he is unable to do so since he is in a haunted house with no electricity and no running water, then advise him to go out and create smoke signals. Also, send him to get some boiling water. If he unable to produce boiling water, then be sure to yell obscenities at him until he tries harder. If this doesn't work, be sure to throw things at him as well. Nine out of ten new fathers say that this technique was enough to make them try harder to find boiling water.

Contrary to popular believe, ghosts are not very helpful when delivering babies.

Okay, now lets get ready for the action. First, you should put on some rubber gloves. If you do not have any, as many people do not pack around rubber gloves then a good old pair of oven mittens will work just fine. Also, you will need a super soaker water gun to help clean the baby afterwards.

If the mother is screaming in pain, you should tell her "SHHHHHHHH I'm trying to listen to the ghosts."  Also, if you are selling Avon this is a great time to ask her to buy some. No new mother wants to go to the hospital without a fresh face.

Once the baby is born you will have to get the father to chew through the cord. Be sure to take a picture of this, as this will likely be his first act of cannibalism. It is also a good idea to take many pictures of the entire event to prepare as a scrap book for later.



Now its time to move the mother. The ambulance probably hasn't arrived yet, as smoke signals are not universally recognized. Now you need to pick up the sheet she is on and drag it through the forest. Warning, bleeding mothers have been known to attract sharks. It is a good idea to move as fast as possible and avoid going in circles. If the mother is cursing and screaming at you, this means it is working. It is also a good idea to cover up the blood as you leave. You should get an Indian guide to help you with this task. It is a good idea after the husband has failed to produce boiling water to get him to conjure up an Indian guide spirit. 11 out of 10 ghosts in haunted houses with no electricity and no running water were once real life Indians. A good way to conjure up an Indian spirit is to ask "How about them Red Skins?  Do you like them for the super bowl this season?"

At this point its a good idea to make sure you still have the baby. If you find that you do not, then you probably left it in the haunted house with no electricity and no running water, which is very irresponsible, how is that baby supposed to get a drink? But before dwelling in your own self pity and shame, you need to go back and get the baby. Grab the sheet that the mother is on and turn around and go back. If she is cursing and screaming at you, that means its working. Just a reminder, ghosts have been known to put babies in drawers, so be sure to check all the drawers. Also, ghosts that have died from consumption still carry the disease, so hold your breath as you grab the baby. The best way to carry a baby out of a haunted house with no electricity and no running water, is by the foot. If the baby cries and screams that means its working. Also, you can opt to carry the baby like a football and scream "Woo, go Red Skins!" while running out of the house.

If the mother hasn't died yet from hemorrhaging, then you should give the baby to her.

This would be a good time to stop and have some toast. There is a lovely toaster you can buy that makes the face of hello kitty. It comes as part of the deluxe edition how to deliver a baby in a haunted house with no electricity and no running water kit. (Hello kitty brand batteries sold separately.) (It only takes 10 batteries to power this toaster for 10 minutes.) (Hello kitty dildo sold separately.) (Hello kitty hemorrhaging plugs, aka diva cups, are only sold with our super deluxe how to deliver a baby in a haunted house with no electricity and no running water kit.)

After you have had a nice piece of toast and you have made it back to civilization, you need to call 911. Be sure to ask them why they did not get your smoke signals earlier. If they seem confused just assure them that they are stupid and they can't read. Then be sure to request an ambulance and ghost busters. This is a good time to send back the Indian spirit guide. A good way to do this is by saying "Woo I'm on the Dallas Cowboys."

Don't worry if ghost busters arrive before the ambulance. With the economy being down, most people opt to live with their ghosts, no matter how annoying they are and therefore, business is slow for these guys. When the EMTs arrive, be sure to tell them all the things you did to help the mother. If they look at you like you're stupid, explain to them that you've taken the "how to deliver a baby in a haunted house with no electricity and no running water" seminar. Now is a good time to show him your business card that reads www.howtodelieverababyinahauntedhousewithnoelectricityandnorunningwater.com/yourname/ref#23487.

You will get $5 for every sale and $2 for everyone that buys from them.

11 out of 10 people have been kicked out of the ambulance for this.

11 out of 10 people have been born in a haunted house with electricity or running water.  Some famous people include:  President Obama, 50 cent, Tom Cruise (Hollywood actor and inventor of the Hoover-Round), Marilyn Manson, Bill Gates, Sigmund Freud (the inventor of incest), Phil Specter, Lil John...and the East Side Boys, Siegfried (but not Roy), and Carrot Top just to name a few.

We hope you have enjoyed our seminar and please take the time to check out our other titles such as "So you got sued because of the first seminar" seminar, "How to deliver a baby in apocalyptic conditions" seminar, "How to get away with not feeding your child and other cost effective solutions" seminar and the "So this seminar pretty much makes me a doctor?" Seminar.